When you’ve decided that you want to cook your overweight cyclist the first thing you need to do is build a good base of low level exhaustion. You can do this by having your overweight cyclist play some softball, swim for a few hours, do yardwork for a few hours and play basketball in the days leading up to the day that you want to cook your cyclist. Also, make sure he gets up numerous times each night to assist with children having nightmares about bugs and smoke detectors and other nonsensical scary things.
Good, now that you have a nice base established let’s get started.
1.) On the day you want to cook your cyclist have him get up early and ride his fixie to the market, load up his messenger bag with about 12 pounds of goodies, strap it on his back, and then pedal back home (uphill home you know, the market is along the river…he he…) to stock up the fridge.
2.) Allow your cyclist to rest for about 30 minutes.
3.) Then put your cyclist out in the sun for about 3-4 hours while he works on scrapping paint around windows at his apartment building. Then allow him to rest for about 30-60 minutes, but no sleeping. It is suggested that you add some food and water to him at this time to assist with the cooking process.
4.) At this point your cyclist might realize that he has free time in his afternoon and rather than taking a nap he’ll load up and go to ride the mountain bike trails for 2 hours. It’s important that you allow him to do this on his own so that he can contribute to his cooking and thus, will be more thoroughly cooked when completed, and you hopefully won’t hear any complaining because it was his decision to ride in the afternoon.
5.) When your overweight cyclist gets home from riding his bike pick him up with a quick blast of cool water in the shower. And then take him outside to play baseball with his kids.
6.) At this point your cyclist should be pretty darn tender and very moist from the extreme amounts of water he’ll be drinking. If further cooking is needed you can play cards with him for a couple of hours.
7.) Now your cyclist should be very well cooked. He should be like putty in your hands at this point. The best thing to do now is to place him in a car for 30 minutes so he can get some rest.
If you think you’re cyclist needs more cooking prior to step 6 or 7 repeat steps 2, 3 or 4, but not all of them. You run the risk of seriously overcooking your cyclist and then he will be very bitter and crabby.
CAUTION: When your cyclist is completely cooked you run the risk that he will be prone to serious overeating when presented with food. You must monitor his food intake unless you want to deal with the aftereffects of the massive food intake. Side effects may be: lots of groaning, drowsiness, irritability and shortness of breath. Cyclist may also be prone to complaining when in this position and suffer from an enlarged stomach.
When your cyclist is completely cooked make sure to enjoy promptly as the leftovers the next day are not very pleasant.